“You cannot teach a man anything, you can only help him find it within himself.” ― Galileo
I recently attended a coaching workshop on the topic of ‘building confidence’. I was invited by a new acquaintance and thought it might be an interesting learning experience and a good networking opportunity. At the LEAP Academy we are always investigating and trying out new theories, models, practices, tools and techniques to find the best practices to incorporate into The LEAP Journey and to ensure that we give you the best possible leadership development and self-innovation experience. Unfortunately, the evening did not live up to expectations and it isn’t the kind of workshop I would recommend to our LEAP Thinkers. However, the experience did make me pause and reflect on the important skills required for effective coaches and/or learning facilitators.
Here’s the thing, when you work with people, things can get a bit messy and complicated. People are unpredictable and no one person is exactly like another person. So, when you are designing learning experiences to help individuals grow and reach their most important goals in life, it’s important to be cognisant of the differences between people as well as the traits we all share as human beings – i.e. the things that make us uniquely human.
Let’s start with some of the things that we all share as human beings. Perhaps the most important factor for us on The LEAP Journey, is the fundamental need for meaning. Human beings look for the meaning in things and they seek to live lives that mean something. A meaningful existence is a subjective construct, simply because what I consider a meaningful existence might not exactly light a fire in your belly. Thus, it is up to each of us to explore what a fulfilling and meaningful life would mean for us and what steps we would need to take to feel like we are going about our life in a meaningful way and not simply surviving or existing.
Additionally, people have an inherent need to connect and to be validated and heard. We all have a need for acceptance and to be deeply understood, but none of us like to be put in a box and labelled as one thing or another. Differences in personality also lead to different ways of being in the world and of interpreting sensory input and making sense of the world.
At the start of the workshop, participants were informed that they would be tasked with practical things to do during the workshop that might put them a bit out of their comfort zone, but that they were under no obligation to do anything that made them too uncomfortable. However, as soon as the very first activity started, this agreement was broken when participants were put on the spot for not actively participating or for refraining from certain postures.
Unfortunately, I was one of the participants who was put on the spot for “not actively participating”. If I had been in a different frame of mind or less mindful, I might have reacted in a very negative way, but I was mindful enough to notice how the other participants responded to the situation and also how uncertain, uncomfortable and upset the other participants who were put on the spot were made to feel. I held my composure and calmly explained how I process information and why I sometimes choose to observe rather than partake while I’m trying to process information or make sense of what I am experiencing in the moment.
Before the first activity, each of the participants were asked what confidence meant to them. Of course, this was a good strategy to follow, since success, fulfilment, confidence and most other intangible ideals usually mean different things to different people, because of our perception of the world and how we perceive ourselves in the world. On The LEAP Journey, for example, we teach our LEAP Thinkers about the Enneagram and about your level of Neuro Agility. We use your Enneagram profile and your Neuro Agility profile as tools for self-understanding and compassion. These tools help you understand what drives you at the core, and they teach you some compassion for other people and the fact that they are not you; which means they do not think like you or believe the same things as you.
Add to the mixture, things like differences in values, culture, life experiences and languages, and things start to get really interesting. The world would be pretty boring if we were all the same, so we acknowledge and appreciate our differences, because they add flavour to life and to our interactions with others. However, these unique differences also urge learning facilitators and coaches to be mindful and cautious to ensure that we treat every person with the compassion and respect that they deserve. For example, it might be easy to assume that someone who is holding back during an opportunity to share their experiences, or someone who comes across as a bit aloof, is not committed to the learning process or that they are not really paying attention during a workshop. Often learning instructors or facilitators are tempted to take someone’s “unwillingness” to share, as a sign that they are bored or not interested, or not actively participating.
Perhaps what would be best in situations like these, is to approach the person or the situation with curiosity. Have you tried to consider the behaviour you’re observing in another person from their perspective and with a curious attitude? What are the reasons for someone presenting as aloof or distant or “disengaged”? Firstly, they might be an introvert. Introverted people energise from within and consequently often feel overwhelmed when they are surrounded by people they don’t know. Additionally, if they are receptive in how they process information, they might not actively participate in discussions with others. This does not mean that they are not engaged. In fact, they are probably more deeply engaged than the expressive participants, because they are trying to make sense of the information they are receiving and their thoughts and feelings about this new information.
Consider also, that we don’t necessarily want to share all aspects of our being with strangers. This is often how we protect ourselves, because we don’t want to risk being vulnerable and perhaps ending up looking like fools in front of strangers with whom we hope to make a favourable impression. For this reason, we might hold back and not say what we really think or feel out of fear that we might be judged or even ostracised for being different.
Additionally, culture and language influence the way we interpret messages and events. Without an understanding of the cultural influences at play or the subtleties and nuances of language it is difficult to say how things are being interpreted and understood or not – especially when someone is facing a double language barrier. A double language barrier is when someone is receiving a message in a language that is their second or third language and not their native tongue. In this instance, the message must be translated in the person’s heads into their native tongue before they can make sense of the information. It is very easy for the message to get lost in translation. So, often it is about building trust and rapport, and creating a space where people feel comfortable sharing aspects of their authentic being without fear of being judged for it.
Most of the time, we don’t know what another person might be dealing with at a specific moment in time. They may be worried about a project at work or a sick child or relative. They may have recently lost a loved one or moved cities or countries. They may have undergone surgery or might be facing financial difficulties. There are so many things that might be pressing in on their minds and hearts at a particular moment in time and assuming that their “lack of engagement” is because they find the workshop boring or uninspiring, is the pinnacle of arrogance, and the opposite of how we ideally want to engage with participants. It’s important to meet people where they are at and to rather assume that they are creative and whole and have the desire to learn and grow. This then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, because we treat others as active participants on their own journey, instead of, for example, unwilling or obstinate “children” that need to be reprimanded, pushed and constantly reminded of the importance of “paying attention”.
I am not sharing my experience at this workshop to put the facilitators of the workshop in a bad light, but rather as a reminder to coaches and learning facilitators to be mindful of the differences in thinking and learning styles of participants. At the same time, LEAP Thinkers should also be mindful that learning facilitators are only human beings and that the teacher can also learn from the learner. People have different ways of making sense of information and operate at different comfort levels; depending on whether they are introverted or extroverted as well as to what extent they feel comfortable or out of the comfort zone and perhaps a bit threatened. To put someone in a position, as I was put, to defend a specific reaction or lack thereof, unintentionally breaks the trust you are trying to build in the coaching/learning relationship and shuts down the person’s prefrontal cortex, making it impossible to learn anything. The stress someone might be experiencing at that moment, might detract from their ability to see the situation as an opportunity to learn anything, and might reduce the intended learning experience to something that is considered a waste of time.
We are all human. We all make mistakes. No coach or coachee, or learning facilitator or learner is perfect. But when we interact with people and when we hold them in a space of no judgement, and encourage them to be vulnerable, we need to respect how they choose to show up, even if it is different from our expectations. On The LEAP Journey, we encourage our LEAP Thinkers to bring their best selves, their worst selves, their most vulnerable selves, and we commit to holding the space sacred. We will challenge you when you are putting yourself down or holding on to dysfunctional or self-limiting beliefs. But at the same time, we will respect your unique world view, your core fears and the things that drive you as human being. We will honour your authentic self, because we believe that the bravest stance you can take, is to be who you are, unapologetically, even if that doesn’t align with outside expectations.
